• Musings



    Being myself was an unheard phenomenon in my life for a long time. There was a time in my life where I always tried to be around many people to ensure something is always happening but never truly being myself. Because why not? I always thought of myself as an awkward kid or situations made me feel so. I was one of those kids who would never raise their hand in the class or would turn red if someone asks them anything. I still do. As I’ve gotten older, I have realised the way I connect with people is different from how people (specifically women) might usually do in the city I live in.

    My friends in school would stay at each other’s house, watch movies together, seem to enjoy each others company and have a lot of fun. Me on the other hand, I was never a first bencher or a studious kid who generally get bullied by other kids, I was a quiet kid with hardly any friends. I couldn’t relate to people in my school life and things were the same in college. Guys on the other hand were more relatable – because they don’t talk about crushes and heartbreaks and other useless shit. I was more fascinated by someone talking about some sort of music, or movies or a new place or something that would expand my knowledge in some way if nothing else. I never cared about going to parties as much as my friends did until I became friends with people who liked it a lot and I forced myself to fit in because honestly I didn’t want to lose my friends.  I forced myself to do things I wont be interested in otherwise. But you can’t drag yourself too much my friend, there comes a point when you are done with it and thats what happened with me because I didn’t feel like myself and I wasn’t happy with what I was becoming. Everyone around me seemed to fit together like an awesome jigsaw puzzle, and I somehow didn’t.

    That’s not how I pictured my life to be, I fantasised about finding a cool group of friends who would sit on a sunny afternoon in a park and talk about (honestly in Chandigarh) anything other than relationships, OTHER PEOPLE AND MONEY. I am really happy for a few good friends that I met in college/work and the fact that we are still good friends. But I still miss that like-mindedness and hobbies to share. Initially I use to feel there is something wrong with me, but I’ve made my peace with it. Now I feel happy with the fact that I’m comfortable with myself and I don’t force myself into things. I don’t like the pressure of socialising. Unlike most people my source of happiness doesn’t come from socialising. It is really good sometimes, yes. But I don’t come across people I would like to socialize with that often.  The funny part about living in Chandigarh is, (especially for women) even if you come across someone who interests you and you would like to know about them more, you just can’t ask it. You just can’t say – Hey, it was lovely meeting you, I would love to meet again over a coffee or something! Because people think you are weird and they don’t even give it a second thought.

    There are many advantages of being comfortable with yourself. For me, I don’t struggle with solitude. A weekend without plans doesn’t bore me –  I don’t get panicky that I’m not doing anything like other people. Before my wedding, I’ve spent so much time alone that it has helped me define who I am. It helped me to start this blog, read amazing stuff, helped me decide what I want, free from the expectations of other people.


    Until next time!


  • About,  Musings

    Math Attacks

    To be born and raised in a family of engineers is not easy. It gets even tougher when you have no inclination towards science or engineering. Almost everyone in my family can make sense of everything that’s written in numbers and variables except me. It comes naturally to them; it surprises me how quickly they can do calculations. Truth must be told –  I have very little mathematical talent. I use calculator to solve simple equations. Reading numbers more than four digits can be tricky for me. In all these years, I’ve noticed that people who are bad at maths are usually made fun of. I agree it takes a lot of hard work, but I don’t want to get that WTF look when I’m not able to calculate something or if I am slow at it. My brain just doesn’t work that way! I’m sure there are a lot of people out there who would look at some algebra problem and say – “screw this!”

    08d10a758a77b5a4b884f04b1471f986 Math Attacks

    I’ve had a very bad relationship with Maths and it not only screwed up my brain, but it also made me immensely scared of my dad who use to teach me maths when I was in school. Because he was so good at it and all my cousins were good at it – his expectations were really high. I would hide myself in my room or get myself busy with some other subject, make excuses or sit in the bathroom for a really long time to make sure I get as less time as possible with my dad studying my least favourite subject. Every evening he use to teach me, he was strict and I was an introvert kid (worst combination ever) – sometimes I would be trembling with fear when I use to do something wrong. Things got even more difficult for me when my younger brother would sit right next to me when my father use to teach me and he would just quickly solve questions verbally while I would be just starting out. I can’t even begin to explain how I use to feel.

    With time, the subject even got more and more complicated for me. I somehow managed to clear in Maths in my 10th standard and I literally couldn’t believe myself. Unlike other kids in my class who were fighting for who gets the highest marks, I was literally praying to get passing marks in Maths. The day I got my result was probably my happiest day in my school years where I realised that I don’t need to study maths anymore. The torture was over and I could finally choose something I really liked. In my school years, I sometimes use to be really hard on myself for not being able to understand the subject. But I had other talents and they were unleashed when I took arts in high school. For many, it was an easy field. Arts was for those who couldn’t do anything else. Thankfully my parents didn’t think that way and they were supportive. They didn’t push me into opting for science just to get validations from other people. I have seen a lot of parents doing that and I feel really sorry for their kids. Things are changing now, very very slowly though. People are becoming more acceptable towards change and  new careers like photography, fashion and so on.

    My life was completely changed in high school. From feeling miserable all the time for not being able to understand maths and physics, I was suddenly feeling good about myself . I was one of the toppers in my 11th grade and I still remember how I felt and how my mother burst into tears and was so proud of me. That was more than enough to boost my confidence for many years!



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