Me, like all of us all of us – I am ever changing, evolving. I am messy and flawed and sometimes I can’t stop making the same mistakes. I’d like to think I’m a happy and positive person, but lately I’ve been comparing myself and degrading myself and thinking my opinions don’t matter. I really don’t want to disagree but stats tell me they don’t. My brain works like fuck it and let it go. But things never really go out of my brain, no matter how much I try to cover them and put layers and layers of other emotions on top. They always find their way back to me. Now when these emotions hit back, I blame myself for feeling them or having them again and again thinking I shouldn’t be thinking like this and try and not be bothered by things. Deep down I know I am not entirely wrong and I need a few things to exist. I wait, wait and wait for some for something to happen. Something to change. Nothing does, so try to change myself and pretend that things don’t matter. But it doesn’t work like that. The more I try to hide them, the worse they become. Sometimes things are hard to accept especially when you don’t know for how long they are going to be like this. Self – hatred can be very easily developed in such situations especially where you are made believe that’s it’s your problem why everything is wrong. It’s all your fault. It’s a huge drain on your physical and mental health and sometimes I can’t believe the amount of my time and energy is drained in getting myself out of it. It has created an environment for me where I feel my issues are going unheard and unnoticed, an environment where I feel I can’t express myself or ask for a change – going with the flow is the only way to go whether it is right or wrong, whether it works for everyone or not.
Things need to change even if they are hard. It’s brave to make painful choices and admit that change is required. It’s also freeing and liberating in many ways.