The last time I cried was when I was feeling really vulnerable. It was the third time I had broken down in past 6 months. Most of the times it has been because of me rather than anyone else.  I have always been an introvert and I find it really hard when I’m forced something to do just because other people expect it out of me. I think I’m fairly independent and I don’t like to depend on anyone for anything and I am a happy person in general. I like my freedom and space more than anything else and when I feel these things are slipping away I get really cranky. People always have this one problem with me that I don’t do enough and they are not wrong. I do actually and I do care but I suck at expressing. It can be a hard thing to deal with. I don’t know how to explain this, but for instance if someone is sick, I will do everything to make them feel comfortable, I’ll also ask them how they are but I cant keep asking all the time, like people do in general. I mean you are sick, you will take time to be ok and to ask again and again won’t help, but instead helping will help. Isn’t it the actual work that counts?  I think I’m better at backend work in relationships rather than front end. I don’t know if you get it. I mean I am all in for doing the actual work but I’m just not very good at presenting or expressing and it’s mistaken for the fact that I don’t care. I can’t say I did this or I did that – if someone has to see, they will see.

That is one of the reasons I’m not the most likeable person on the earth. I feel relationships should be easy going, they shouldn’t feel like a burden – something you need to maintain or feel the need to please someone. The moment it turns like that – it’s all formal and fake for me honestly (except for special occasions like birthdays and stuff obviously). I know this is not the best way to show that you care, but I can’t help it. For people who know me well, know that I do care and I will be there when they need me. I just don’t expect people to expect that I will please them or keep asking them things just for the sake of it, because I won’t and I honestly don’t feel it’s wrong I am in no way promoting that you don’t do anything nice or special for anyone ever. But on daily basis, isn’t it stressful? And I don’t expect it for myself too. This is the story of my life right now, struggling between expectations are reality in different spheres of life. I don’t know what to do about it yet, but hoping to find a way soon.

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February 1, 2018

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