Freedom/ Independence – is very important to everyone I am sure. But it always feels like the more you want it the less you get. Sometimes you want your own corner, your own space to be your own person, to do things your own way and not be judged for whatever you do. I never thought of myself as a very ambitious person but with time it’s changing. The more I feel it – the more strongly I feel about freedom and independence. I think the emotion is derived from how strongly I despise majority of people in our society, basically anything that takes you away from who you really are and what you believe in. There are days when I feel crappy about myself mostly because of society and how I don’t fit in or there are certain traits that I have to have to have (which is bullshit by the way) to have a good life.
Everyone is good trying their best in their own way ( I am trying my best), but when different ideas clash and when I am told that I need to behave in a certain way or certain things are expected out of me (that I don’t believe in) – it drives me nuts. It stresses me out to talk about this kind of stuff and raising your voice doesn’t do any good. So I have started backing off, backing off because I want to stay away from disappointment. I find it really difficult to get along with people whom I share completely opposite thoughts. I feel very bottled up and pressurised around such people and sometimes they are your family members and close friends. You love them but may be you don’t like them because you have very little in common. You can have a great relationship with them but still feel overwhelmed or restricted by them. Being close to such people is a trap on its own because you are so fearful of disappointing them and you ofcourse want them to be happy. Drifting makes only things worse because you don’t fall in their version of how your life should be. Such pressures in friendships and relationships largely affect your willingness to interact with them while you are trying to maintain your independence.
In the end its all about independence right? As a girl (especially in India) its very hard to be your own person without letting other people down in the process. Since childhood, a box is prepared for you whether you fit in or not. If you don’t fit in the box, there is always an implication that there is something wrong with you and not with the box. I think people are very good at the art of pleasing people can fit into any box. For me, it’s the toughest thing to do and may be that’s why I don’t really care and don’t liked to be defined by anyone. Living alone has taught me many life lessons and being your own person, having your own independence and space is probably the most important one. It has also spoilt me in its own good way which I definitely don’t regret.