Being myself was an unheard phenomenon in my life for a long time. There was a time in my life where I always tried to be around many people to ensure something is always happening but never truly being myself. Because why not? I always thought of myself as an awkward kid or situations made me feel so. I was one of those kids who would never raise their hand in the class or would turn red if someone asks them anything. I still do. As I’ve gotten older, I have realised the way I connect with people is different from how people (specifically women) might usually do in the city I live in.
My friends in school would stay at each other’s house, watch movies together, seem to enjoy each others company and have a lot of fun. Me on the other hand, I was never a first bencher or a studious kid who generally get bullied by other kids, I was a quiet kid with hardly any friends. I couldn’t relate to people in my school life and things were the same in college. Guys on the other hand were more relatable – because they don’t talk about crushes and heartbreaks and other useless shit. I was more fascinated by someone talking about some sort of music, or movies or a new place or something that would expand my knowledge in some way if nothing else. I never cared about going to parties as much as my friends did until I became friends with people who liked it a lot and I forced myself to fit in because honestly I didn’t want to lose my friends. I forced myself to do things I wont be interested in otherwise. But you can’t drag yourself too much my friend, there comes a point when you are done with it and thats what happened with me because I didn’t feel like myself and I wasn’t happy with what I was becoming. Everyone around me seemed to fit together like an awesome jigsaw puzzle, and I somehow didn’t.
That’s not how I pictured my life to be, I fantasised about finding a cool group of friends who would sit on a sunny afternoon in a park and talk about (honestly in Chandigarh) anything other than relationships, OTHER PEOPLE AND MONEY. I am really happy for a few good friends that I met in college/work and the fact that we are still good friends. But I still miss that like-mindedness and hobbies to share. Initially I use to feel there is something wrong with me, but I’ve made my peace with it. Now I feel happy with the fact that I’m comfortable with myself and I don’t force myself into things. I don’t like the pressure of socialising. Unlike most people my source of happiness doesn’t come from socialising. It is really good sometimes, yes. But I don’t come across people I would like to socialize with that often. The funny part about living in Chandigarh is, (especially for women) even if you come across someone who interests you and you would like to know about them more, you just can’t ask it. You just can’t say – Hey, it was lovely meeting you, I would love to meet again over a coffee or something! Because people think you are weird and they don’t even give it a second thought.
There are many advantages of being comfortable with yourself. For me, I don’t struggle with solitude. A weekend without plans doesn’t bore me – I don’t get panicky that I’m not doing anything like other people. Before my wedding, I’ve spent so much time alone that it has helped me define who I am. It helped me to start this blog, read amazing stuff, helped me decide what I want, free from the expectations of other people.
Until next time!